This is another addition to the Jacob Blaze & David Larkin saga. There was a man that everybody called by the name "Alaskan Dan". He lived in a town of about 50 people, and every time he would walk down the street people would whisper to each other and say "look there goes Alaskan Dan, the man that walked the highest mountain called Mt. Chimichanga". As he was walking down the street as he normally did, he suddenly thought to himself…"I think I'd like to relive that moment once again, that day that made me so famous." And he pondered a little longer before exclaiming, "I will climb Mt. Chimichanga AGAIN!" He didn't realize he had said it aloud, for everyone in the street stopped what they were doing to stare at him with wide-open mouths. He got a little nervous and ran home, running softly so as not to disturb the nervous pee in his bladder. You see, he was this nervous because it was only by fluke that he had gotten up to the top of Mt. Chimichanga the first time. As he was running he was trying to keep himself from releasing himself, so he said to himself as he was running "well, I am the only one on this street I am going to take a potty break". Now you are probably asking yourself "were in the world would he stop at to do this"? Well, he did what every other wilderness man would do. He stopped and did what he had to do in the middle of the road. Families were driving by and kids would ask the question to there parents "Daddy, what is that man doing?" and the response would always be "Oh that must be Alaskan Dan". As he finished his duty, he began to run back to his home and begin to prepare himself for this climb. This was going to be the biggest climb of the year. So he began to do only what mountain climbers would so in order to get ready for a big climb. He even went a bit overboard, as he was nervous about actually climbing it (the fluke before had been that he was the winner of the coveted "world's longest piggyback" sweepstakes, meaning he had been carried to the top of the mountain by a 14 foot tall man named Agrando.) He made muffins and stuck them in his shoes to get ready for harsh conditions. He bit off his own hair and began to store it for when it got cold. He looked at maps on the internet. He also prepared his silverware for resale. See now you think to yourself "why would someone put muffins in there shoes in order to get ready for a big climb as this?" Let me tell you, there is nothing more tuff then putting hot muffins in your shoes and walking around with them. Plus biting of your own hair. Try doing it right now. As Alaskan Dan took out his silverware, he began to spit polish every fork, spoon & knife. Literally, he spat on each on. The problem was that he got to the point were he couldn't spit any more. His mouth had completely dried up, he no more spit. As he realized this he began to yell at everything he had "you stupid lamp all you do is just stand there looking like an idiot". With all of this yelling that was taking place he realized that he had a bladder problem. Yes, that is correct he had to go to the bathroom again. Now this was in the wilderness so he had to find some good size leaves to use. As he was walking about side to his dismay guess who he walked into? Yes, you are correct good ol' Squirty Loo, who likes to go Poo. He stopped to give Alaskan Dan the right advice on how to take care of this "business" that needed to be done. "Hiya, Dan, said Squirty.”Oops, excuse me!" He leaked ink through Dan's shoes and into his newly baked muffins. Then Squirty-Loo gave him a knowing look, shook his hand, and walked off. Dan realized that this had been the best advice he had ever received. It was so simple...pee on yourself! Maybe Dan's bladder problem wasn't a problem at all, but a solution. Peeing on his shoes would be more than helpful on Mt. Chimichanga, giving him a competitive edge. So Dan let it out, all of it. As he relieved himself, he thought of all the benefits of peeing on his shoes. It would: 1) Keep his feet warm 2) Coat his shoes with a protective urine film to keep the snow off 3) Fortify his muffins with antigens. Dan looked for Squirty Loo to say thank you, but couldn't find him; that modest squid was out of sight. Now he had to get back to his silverware before he could start the perilous climb. After the revelation he received from Squirty, (begin song "eye of the tiger in background) he began working on his silverware with great excitement and anticipation. Scrubbing back and forth he polished and sharpened day and night. Until the end of the week came. He had grown a full length beard, and his fingernails had grown very long. He had finally finished working on this silverware, he stood back had a big grin on his face. It was a grin of accomplishment. As he smiled he realized his breath smelt pretty bad so he decided to chew are some garlic to help out. He also had to hurry to bed because tomorrow was the day of the climb MT. CHIMICHANGA.
As he slept he dreamed about hair, urine, and ink stirred together in a bowl to make the tastiest muffins ever. Alaska Dan woke up the next morning excited and happy. He would conquer that mountain. He began his trek at 4:30 AM, and put on his backpack. He woke his wolf-hound, BARTOLUS, and saddled him tight, complete with rations for the journey. He got in the saddle, yelled, "ONWARD, BARTOLUS," and they headed off at a mighty speed to the foot of the mountain. They reached the mountain's big toenail just as the sun was coming up. They ascended the ankle and soon were on mountain proper. As he was ascending up the ankle of the mountain, he began to get restless. He had been going up this mountain for 5 hours without a break. He still had a long ways to go. Dan and his faithful wolf-hound Bartolus were coming around the bend and the road began to get very narrow. All of a sudden they noticed that there was something blocking here way, it was a Giant Bean. This Giant Bean had fallen from the top of Mt. Chimichanga. Dan and his faithful Dog looked at each other and asked the question (because in this story the dog can talk) "what do we do with this bean?" "Oh, what luck!" Dan exclaimed. Bartolus looked confused. "Don't you see, Faithful Dog?" asked Dan. "We can eat this and fart our way to the top!" So they began eating. After they were full, they did crunches to speed up the process. "I feel one coming!" shouted Bartolus. Dan hurried to strap the rest of the bean into his pack, and then quickly got back in the saddle, put on his safety belt, and held on tight. Just like the Shuttle Challenger enters into space, so they both road up the mountain like a rocket. Although Dan needed that ride up the mountain to end soon, because sitting behind Bartolus as he is farting is not the most sweets of moments. As they got to the top of the mountain, they both stood there with much pride….and gas. They smiled at each other and then realized that they had to go down the mountain. They carved out the center of the bean and used the skin/husk/shell to make a parachute, and they slowly descended back into town. They headed straight for the town square, where a crowd of people had gathered to welcome him home. The town of 50 people rejoiced because Alaskan Dan had proven once again that he was capable to clime Mt. Chimichanga. And that is the story of “Alaska Dan, The Baron of the Silverware Industry”. | 
